1-28-11 Friday (Dear So And So)

imageDear Father Time,

I used to spend 2-3 hours a day looking for and applying for jobs online.  Now I have a job but it doesn’t start until 2-14-11.  The days are taking forever.  Can you speed up the day time a bit?  This would also benefit those who are working.  See, it’s a benefit for many!

Moving Slowly,

Garret


imageDear New Employer,

The hours weren’t that great to begin with.  Why’d you have to go and mess with the schedule after I accepted the position?  Now I can’t have Tuesday’s off and have to work much later on Saturday’s than anticipated.  No sweat.  I’ll deal.  I will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

Newly Yours,

Tongue Biter


2011-01-24 002Dear Neighbor to our Right,

Whatever shelving unit you put on your front porch looks horrible.  If it’s not worth being in your house, then why is it even worth having?  The last time I complained about you (Feb 2010) it was about your Christmas lights.  It must have been so handy for them to already have been up.  When you fired those suckers up, you only had to replace some of it.  Certain sections of your icicle lights glowed brighter than others as if to proclaim their independence.  Bravo! 

Thanks for Listening,

Your Neighbor to your Left


BoomDear Neighbor to our Right Plus Another 3 Houses Down From That,

I hear AND feel your bass more often than anyone should have to.  You arrive in the neighborhood blasting your music, THEN you leave your car door open while you check and sort your mail, allowing me to understand the words of the music and just how they associate themselves with the beat.  It’s wonderful when during a week night, I can awake at 2:30am, hear your bass even when my bedroom is in the back of the house.  You are an inconsiderate asshole.

Wish I Was Hard of Hearing,

Your Neighbor


2011-01-23 002Dear Automated Shower Cleaner,

Who needs Scrubbing Bubbles?  With just some food and fresh litter, you’re good to go.  You happily hop up into the tub and lick the water totally ignoring the perfect water bowl downstairs.  Now if I could just get you to stop leaving wet foot prints and hair all over the tub, we’d be happier.   Oh, and you missed a spot.  I guess I really do need Scrubbing Bubbles after all.

With Gratitude,

Hater of the Shower Cleaning Routine


2011-01-24 001Dear Clay,

I hate the way you hide in North Carolina soil.  It’s not like you’re useful to me.  I’m not planning on making pottery any time soon.  I’d like you to stop hitching a ride on the bottom of my Sketchers.  My Sketchers don’t approve of your behavior.

Sincerely,

Me & The Sketchers


2011-01-24 004Dear Jim’s Laptop,

You’re an Acer, not a Hewlett Packard model.  Back in August, I received the same message on my laptop.  Now we have to decide if we should replace the hard drive for about $50 or then entire computer for about $350.  Ah, decisions, decisions. 

Hard On Hard Drives,

Garret


2011-01-24 003Dear Ruth’s Chris Valets,

When Jim handed you the keys to our fine automobile, he quoted a line from Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop.  He said, “park it somewhere nice, this happened the last time it was here.”  (actual quote was "Can you put this in a good spot? 'Cause all of this **** happened the last time I parked here.”)  You never even flinched.  I’m left wondering if you are too young to have seen the movie OR if you hear that line way too often. 

PS: Don’t judge. 

Thankful for not Walking,

Owner of the Old and Dirty Jeep


imageDear Shell in Concord,

Your car wash sucks.  I know I only got the express wash for $6 but why couldn’t  it get the mud off?  The cargo hatch door was still dirty too when all was said and done.  Would the extra $1 or two for the upgraded wash have helped?  I even chose you, the wash with the brushes as opposed to those with the wimpy touchless wash cycle.  I guess I got what I paid for.

Owner of the Old and Partly Dirty Jeep


image

9 comments:

  1. Do you have Mike's Carwash there? It's more expensive but I love the guarantee- if the car isn't clean, you go again for free.

    I'm purposefully only commenting on the last bit so that you'll think I only read the very end.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds like you got some gems for neighbors. Ahhh so glad I live in the middle of nowhere and just have to occasionally worry about roadworks guys out front of my house and farmers with their tractors out in back of my house. Once again I apologize to the roadworks guys I accidentally flashed whilst coming out of the shower at midnight...oops.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm purposely replying to the last bit so that you'll think I only read the very end.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Kat: Yes we do. I miss living in a deed restricted community.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Garrett, if you still have space in your Restaurant Week schedule (and belly), I strongly strongly recommend Passion8 in Fort Mill. Maybe it's a bit far for you? Anyway, it's my and Miss Chef's favorite restaurant; great, unique and creative food.

    Ciao!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Flartus: Maybe next year the 4 of us can go? Not that we can't meet up sooner than next year. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, if we're going during restaurant week, it'll be the 3 of us...Miss Chef will be a little busy. ;-) But yeah, there's a whole year of possibilities in between. Have you been to/heard of Sir Edmund Halley's? Worth checking out, too; a bit of a CLT institution. http://halleyspub.com.

    I was thinking of creating another static page on my blog about restaurants we've been to, but who knows when/if that will ever come to fruition!

    ReplyDelete
  8. No, definitely not during restaurant week. We've already went to 3 x $60 plus will be doing Melting Pot this Sunday.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You have too much time? I will happily take as much as you can spare from you! We should talk...

    ReplyDelete

Hi, please leave a comment. All comments unless explicit will be posted!

No Google account? Don't worry - you don't need one to comment. Select "Name/URL" and simply enter your name in the NAME field. Leave URL blank. Post your comment and viola, that's it!