1-28-11 Friday (Dear So And So)

Dear Father Time,

I used to spend 2-3 hours a day looking for and applying for jobs online.  Now I have a job but it doesn’t start until 2-14-11.  The days are taking forever.  Can you speed up the day time a bit?  This would also benefit those who are working.  See, it’s a benefit for many!

Moving Slowly,

Garret

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Dear New Employer,

The hours weren’t that great to begin with.  Why’d you have to go and mess with the schedule after I accepted the position?  Now I can’t have Tuesday’s off and have to work much later on Saturday’s than anticipated.  No sweat.  I’ll deal.  I will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

Newly Yours,

Tongue Biter

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Dear Neighbor to our Right,

Whatever shelving unit you put on your front porch looks horrible.  If it’s not worth being in your house, then why is it even worth having?  The last time I complained about you (Feb 2010) it was about your Christmas lights.  It must have been so handy for them to already have been up.  When you fired those suckers up, you only had to replace some of it.  Certain sections of your icicle lights glowed brighter than others as if to proclaim their independence.  Bravo! 

Thanks for Listening,

Your Neighbor to your Left

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Dear Neighbor to our Right Plus Another 3 Houses Down From That,

I hear AND feel your bass more often than anyone should have to.  You arrive in the neighborhood blasting your music, THEN you leave your car door open while you check and sort your mail, allowing me to understand the words of the music and just how they associate themselves with the beat.  It’s wonderful when during a week night, I can awake at 2:30am, hear your bass even when my bedroom is in the back of the house.  You are an inconsiderate asshole.

Wish I Was Hard of Hearing,

Your Neighbor

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Dear Automated Shower Cleaner,

Who needs Scrubbing Bubbles?  With just some food and fresh litter, you’re good to go.  You happily hop up into the tub and lick the water totally ignoring the perfect water bowl downstairs.  Now if I could just get you to stop leaving wet foot prints and hair all over the tub, we’d be happier.   Oh, and you missed a spot.  I guess I really do need Scrubbing Bubbles after all.

With Gratitude,

Hater of the Shower Cleaning Routine

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Dear Clay,

I hate the way you hide in North Carolina soil.  It’s not like you’re useful to me.  I’m not planning on making pottery any time soon.  I’d like you to stop hitching a ride on the bottom of my Sketchers.  My Sketchers don’t approve of your behavior.

Sincerely,

Me & The Sketchers

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Dear Jim’s Laptop,

You’re an Acer, not a Hewlett Packard model.  Back in August, I received the same message on my laptop.  Now we have to decide if we should replace the hard drive for about $50 or then entire computer for about $350.  Ah, decisions, decisions. 

Hard On Hard Drives,

Garret

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Dear Ruth’s Chris Valets,

When Jim handed you the keys to our fine automobile, he quoted a line from Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop.  He said, “park it somewhere nice, this happened the last time it was here.”  (actual quote was "Can you put this in a good spot? 'Cause all of this **** happened the last time I parked here.”)  You never even flinched.  I’m left wondering if you are too young to have seen the movie OR if you hear that line way too often. 

PS: Don’t judge. 

Thankful for not Walking,

Owner of the Old and Dirty Jeep

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Dear Shell in Concord,

Your car wash sucks.  I know I only got the express wash for $6 but why couldn’t  it get the mud off?  The cargo hatch door was still dirty too when all was said and done.  Would the extra $1 or two for the upgraded wash have helped?  I even chose you, the wash with the brushes as opposed to those with the wimpy touchless wash cycle.  I guess I got what I paid for.

Owner of the Old and Partly Dirty Jeep

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